The Truth About Change: Why Honesty Comes Before Discipline

I’ve always had a pattern of thinking in extremes.

It’s all or nothing. And for a long time, I thought that was discipline.

In 2014, when I started consistently (religiously, obsessively) working out, eating healthy, drinking water, and doing everything “right,” I was fully on the “all” side of that pattern.

Wellness wasn’t about balance for me. It was control.

I can have extreme discipline...but the second I step outside of it, it can disappear just as quickly.

I’m either working out 2 hours a day, getting IV vitamins, “my body is a temple”…or I’m eating whatever I want, whenever I want, and letting my body run on impulse.

There was never an in between.

This clearly is a dangerous mindset. I've learned throughout the years to find a happy middle ground, but for most of the last 12 years, I was living on the extreme wellness side of the two. For a long time, I justified it: “At least I’m not doing drugs.” “This isn’t hurting anyone.” And for a while, that felt true, and it got me a lot further than the latter would have.

But ultimately, there were plenty of times and things that came up that showed me that this lifestyle was dangerous, and not healthy.

What I want to talk about though is the harder part: facing the side of myself that is on the opposite end of the spectrum. The darker side. The nothing side.

After years of living in that obsessive wellness space, I slowly fell out of it.

Not intentionally. Not all at once. And definitely not into something balanced.

My gym days became less frequent. My perfect planned and meal prepped eating turned into eating whatever felt good in the moment. And honestly, I can’t even blame myself for that version of me.

I was living in an environment that drained me completely. My nervous system was barely holding on. Waking up and existing was my workout. There was no energy left for anything else.

But that’s not what this is about. It doesn’t matter that it wasn’t my fault.It doesn’t matter that my body needed to survive. Because I’m not in that space anymore. When you're out of excuses, what's left is the comfort in maintaining the bad habits, and facing the reality that they aren't helping anymore.

What I’ve had to face is the version of me that let everything go.

I had to take inventory of what my days actually looked like. Not what I said I valued. Not what I used to do. What I was actually doing. What I was consuming. What I was avoiding. What I was using to numb, to cope, or to push myself when I didn’t have real energy. I started researching the things I was relying on and had to admit: some (if not most of them) were part of the problem.

I looked at my screen time and saw the reality of it. I learned what constant stimulation does to your brain, your reward system, your nervous system. And I realized everything is connected. Every small habit. Every detail. It all adds up.

So I started removing.

I stopped scrolling on social media.

I stopped using my phone at night.

I stopped laying in bed after I woke up.

I stopped relying on caffeine and energy drinks to start my day.

I stopped avoiding going outside...something as simple as opening the blinds.

What I’ve realized is that both versions of me were avoiding something.

The extreme discipline, the control, the obsession with doing everything perfectly… that was a way of staying in control.

And the opposite side, the nothing, the lack of structure, the impulsive habits… that was a way of checking out.

They looked completely different.

But they were both disconnecting me from myself in different ways.

What I’ve realized, looking at both sides of this, is that honesty matters more than anything. Both extremes felt different, but they were both ways of avoiding. The only way out was honesty.

I have to be honest with myself.

Is this actually good for me?

Or is it helping me avoid something else?