Release the Dimmed Version of You

---

Sitting between two identities is really difficult, and right now I can feel that I'm still living between the version I've lived for the past three years; a dimmed version of me, and my actual self.

The dimmed version of me still quietly exists in the back of my head; dimming my energy, mind, actions, and self expression. I have to recognize that without it, I'd have lived more intensely in punishment, fear, survival, chaos, uncertainty, and emotional danger. So it makes sense that it's hard to let it go easily.

But now I'm faced with the reality that another person is no longer holding me back, I'm holding myself back. Unbecoming this version of me is not just safe, but essential.

How to release:

1. Identify all of the things that the dimmed version did (or does) that isn't aligned with who you are. Some examples:

• prioritize others’ comfort over your boundaries

• Ignore your intuition

• Accept isolation

• Minimize your voice, needs, thoughts, feelings

• Trade long-term goals/ dreams for safety

• Settle for less

• Suppress your expertise

• Edit your aesthetic for "palatability"

• Operate from a scarcity / lack mindset

• Doubt your academic / professional authority

• Live in "reaction mode" rather than "creation mode"

Identifying where you still act this way will help you notice the pattern. Once you see it happening in real time, you can start to unlearn those habits and reclaim your true mindset.

2. Journaling the experience. Keep a simple list of moments where you prioritized someone else's comfort over your own. Writing about the experiences can show help to see exactly where you are shrinking. Examples:

• The "Automatic Yes" -- Agreeing to a favor or a meeting immediately, then feeling a pit in your stomach because it violates your actual needs or schedule.

• Apologizing unnecessarily -- Saying "sorry" for having an opinion, or for defending yourself

• Self-Gaslighting -- Thinking "maybe I'm overreacting" when your intuition is clearly telling you that a situation is unhealthy.

• Choosing the "Safe" Path -- Opting for a career or life choice that feels boring but "stable," even though your true self knows you're built for something bigger.

3.A Behavior Change. Since this is about unlearning a survival response, you have to prove to your nervous system that the "undimmed" version of you is safe. Start off small with some of these examples:

• The "Pause" Technique -- When you catch yourself about to minimize your voice or ignore a boundary, give yourself five seconds.Use this paused moment to ask: "Am I doing this because it’s what I want, or because I’m trying to manage their reaction?"

• Practice "Low-Stakes" Rejection-- Start saying no to things that don't matter. If someone asks for a small favor or suggests a plan you don't like, practice a straightforward response: "I can't do that today" or "I'd actually prefer something else." This builds the "muscle memory" of having a voice without the high stakes of a major conflict.

• Reclaim Your Aesthetic Daily -- Wear something that reflects your identity, even if you aren't going anywhere. This reinforces the idea that your preferences are valid and worth acting on.

• Replace "Sorry" with "Thank You" --The dimmed version often over-apologizes to stay safe. Start swapping your apologies for gratitude to shift the power dynamic:

  • Instead of "Sorry for the delay," say "Thank you for your patience."

  • Instead of "Sorry for being difficult," say "Thank you for accommodating my dietary needs."

• Somatic Grounding-- If your body "freezes" when you try to set a boundary, use a physical grounding technique. Press your feet into the floor or touch something textured. This pulls your brain out of "survival mode" and back into the present moment, where you have the agency to speak up.

• Script Your Expertise -- When you feel your expertise being suppressed, use pre-planned "anchor phrases" to step back into your authority.

3B. Behavior Changes for bigger emotional experiences.

• Separate Their Anger from Your Safety -- The dimmed version believes that if they get angry, something catastrophic will happen.

  • The Reality: Their anger is an internal state that belongs to them. It is uncomfortable, but it is not a reflection of your worth or your "wrongness."

  • The Practice: Remind yourself: "I am responsible for my boundaries; they are responsible for their reaction to them."

• Identify the "Cost of Peace" -- When you accept uncomfortable treatment to avoid their anger, you aren't actually creating peace—you are just moving the conflict inside yourself.

  • The Journaling Prompt: Every time you stay quiet to avoid a reaction, write down what it cost you. Did it cost you your sleep? Your self-respect? Your physical comfort? Your time for The Edit?

  • The Goal: Make the "internal war" feel more expensive than the "external anger."

  
  

---

Editor's note:

I've found so many videos and stories of other women talking about their situations and experiences incredibly helpful for my recovery process. Watching videos and reading about other women’s experiences helped me realize that my situation is not unique. In learning more, I'm able to feel less alone, and it really validates the things I've been through. My goal for sharing my personal stories on The Edit is to offer that same comfort to others. By being open about these experiences, I'm working to build a community of women healing and empowering each other together.